Wednesday, June 13, 2007

On Star Wars: The Ugly Truth

Star Wars, the quintessential Science Fiction Fantasy story of two generations has been all roses to fans for over thirty years. Now, as the second trilogy has brought us conclusion to the story, and we eagerly await the arrival of the upcoming live television series, many of the dark little secrets have crept to the surface. "Exposed about the characters are the secrets now." said Jedi Master Yoda from the other side. "A great ho that Leia has become."
It is up to Ernie and Bert to expose these secrets to the fans out there.


There were many reasons to feel sorry for Darth Vader. Having been mutilated in his legendary lightsaber duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi, being forced to wear that ridiculous suit, being the “Chosen one” yet still getting kicked around by imperial governors like Tarkin. Oh the humanity! Perhaps the worst of it came when his bid for the Presidency fell short when it was revealed that he was romantically pursuing Leia Organna.

Who could blame him?




So ,when known chick magnet and starship Captain James T. Kirk attempted to put the moves on “Vader’s girl,” he didn’t stand a chance.

Vader’s jealousy was limitless. “If I cant have her, no one can.” He was overheard saying to Evil Galactic Emperor Palpatine in a holo-transmission.

Unfortunately word didn’t reach Vader that Organna was his daughter until moments before his death on the second Death Star. It Vaders “eyes for Leia alone,” that squashed the Galactic Empires hot new “Femtrooper” program. If Vader couldn’t have Leia, he wanted nothing at all.

This certainly explains Vader’s sadistic treatment of Han Solo on Bespin’s Cloud City. Vader could only see Solo’s love for Leia, and he wanted Solo to pay dearly. We can only wonder if things would have been any different if Vader had known the truth...
Leia had been involved in a cheap affair with Solo’s best friend and co-pilot, Chewbacca.
The 200 year-old wookie had a long standing resentment towards Solo for the years of bossing him around and making him swab the deck of the Milennium Falcon. So one day while Solo was on patrol on the ice planet of Hoth, he slipped a little Barry White on the ships audio system and made his move. A little wookie nookie.

Lets not forget the whole Lando affair either, but in Leia's defense, who could resist Billy Dee?

Perhaps it simply falls on the sexually repressive society of Alderaan. Perhaps Leia’s adoptive parents were just too strict? Perhaps there was some underlying abuse issues in her past, or maybe it was just low self-esteem? The underlying cause may never be known, but Princess Leia Organna wreaked more havoc on the Galaxy far, far away than the Sith ever could have. That, coupled with a poor body image (due to his disability) is likely the cause of Vader's over eating towards the end.












Next up, "Booze, drugs, and droids: Where are they now?"

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